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Saturday, January 12th, 2008
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1:26 pm - Bleh
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One lactaid with my five-cheese Stauffer's lasagna seems like maybe four too few.
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| Friday, December 14th, 2007
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8:33 pm - Reasons to love winter
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- Little kids bundled up in puffy snow suits waddling down the street
- Singing Christmas carols with foggy breath in the morning before the car warms up
- Blasts of hot air when you first walk into the grocery store
- Fuzzy hats and rosy cheeks
- Snowball fights in the parking lot with your co-workers in the stillness after a snow fall
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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8:51 pm - Spam
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I always like to take a peek at my junk mail before I delete it, so I can catch pearls like this one:
"Wots up jessicawoodrow penis pills can make ya dick stand tall like the eiffel tower."
Doessssssssssss yourrrrrrrrrr dick stand tall? Does it bump into the wall?
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| Friday, October 12th, 2007
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11:38 am - Um.. what?
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Ahh Fox News. I'm not really sure why, but I hate this station. Hate! I tell you. Or maybe I love it? I can't really decide. I know it annoys me greatly, with all the jumping around from topic to topic and the loud! exclamation! using! reporters! And I don't think they cover the news very well, but their headlines can be hysterical! Two noteworthy ones from today:
"Controversy in Australia over pole-dancing for children"
Just... NO.
And also:
"Nascar Cooties?"
What are we, in Kindergarten?
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| Monday, October 1st, 2007
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1:40 pm - Some text messages that I have been saving to post for... a long time.
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See if you can guess which ones were sent by drunk people!
"Hell yeah baseball is basically watchin 9 guys scratch their balls for 5 hours"
"I was just accosted with an oversized margarita."
"U sure? I'll get my pimp hand ready"
"I might have just taken a pic of an old couple wearing matching pink outfits."
"The bills beating the pats?! I had to check outside for fire and brimstone."
"90% of this chocolate i.m holding is gay the rest is ur sexy ass."
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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3:15 pm
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So I feel like I need to update this more freqently, and not only when I'm really pissed off or really happy, if only to make myself look like less of a manic-depressive.
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| Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
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11:21 pm - How I KNOW I'm not ready for children
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Ingredients:
One sinus infection
4 nights of little or no sleep
one box of au gratin potato mix
2 1/2 c boiling water
2 tbsp butter
2/3 c milk
1.Mix ingredients together in a 4 qt microwave safe bowl using a fork to break up au gratin powder chunks.
2.Remember to remove fork before placing in microwave and cooking on high for 20 minutes.
3. Enjoy!
Note to self: pay closer attention to step #2 next time.
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| Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
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1:47 pm - Lessons learned:
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1. When your grandfatherly mechanic tells you to bring in the car you're thinking of buying so he can look it over FOR FREE, fucking TAKE THAT OFFER.
2. When the friend of the family who sold your car to you repeatedly asks for the title to your worthless old car so he can have it towed off his lot, do not forget to return his phone calls and give him the damn title. It will make it difficult to phone him in the future and ask him why the hell he sold you a rusty piece of tin when you THOUGHT you were buying a spiffy 1994 Geo Tracker.
3. Just because he is a friend of my father does not mean he is trustworthy.
4. Get AAA plus if you ever plan on going on a roadtrip EVER. The extra 100 miles of towing could totally save you like 40 headaches and approximately 5 panic attacks.
I've been too busy slash stressed to update lately, what with my life sucking and all. Ok, not my WHOLE life, just the car and job related parts. According to the not so trustworthy gentlemen who have my car in Geneva, The Geo is practically crumbling apart every time they touch something. Fannnnntastic. Oh, and the best part? As of right now, it's going to cost a grand to have it fixed, meaning "as of right now we've stopped touching things for fear your car may disintegrate beneath our very fingers, so who knows, it could be TWO grand by the time we're finished." If I hadn't bought this car a mere six months ago I would say "Fuck it, I'm takin the bus." Then again, slapping another grand on my credit card seems even less appealing than public transportation. Then AGAIN, I don't want to be a losery no-car loser who needs rides everywhere. But I guess every road has bumps in it and I think I just need to NOT have a car in order to decrease the stress in my life by a thousand points. I could start riding my bike places I guess.. that's healthy AND enviro-friendly. Eco-friendly? Whatever. I'm trying to put a positive spin on this. Fuckin Tracker. You would have been SO fun to drive this summer.
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| Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
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4:27 am
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Picture this:
You are driving home after a long weekend of visiting with crazy family. All you can think about is the crisp, fluffy down comforter softly singing your name from atop those cool, smooth sheets hugging your mattress. Ahhh, to sleep in your own bed. Heaven...
Oh oh, what's this? Your gas pedal seems curiously ineffective. Oddly, this doesn't strike you as a huge problem. You drift over to the shoulder of the thruway and try to start the car. As your efforts prove fruitless, you begin to shake off that dreamy high and realize that, fuck! You're still about 90 miles from home. "Calm down," you tell yourself. "You have AAA! They'll take care of everything." AAA pretty much laughs and says, "You're screw-- I mean, only covered for the first 5 miles of towing. After that it's 4 dollars for every additional mile and NO you cannot upgrade over the phone to AAA+ which would tow you an additional 100 miles." Thank you very LITTLE, Automobile Association of America, I hope my fist in your face isn't too inconvenient.
Lightbulb! Mom shouldn't be too far ahead of you, she can double back and pick you up.
Oh Jesus mom, seriously? Your cell phone is off? Ok, we'll try Jacquie's.
LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHO TURNS THEIR CELL PHONES OFF THESE DAYS! Ugghhhhh ok fine we'll just sit here and wait for the tow and keep trying Mom and Jacquie's phones. In the mean time, let's keep an eye out for that tow truck. Hey, that car looks just like your mom's. And it has the same license plate. Praise be, you must have passed her while she was at a rest stop. Now she'll notice your car and pick you up and --- zooom there she goes! Wait, why isn't she slowing down? How could she not recognize your one of a kind vehicle? There aren't that many maroon Geo Trackers out there with DUCT TAPE COVERING HALF OF THEIR BACK WINDOW. Oh well, here comes the tow truck. You stand outside for a few minutes, chilled immediately as the wind cuts through your hoodie and sweat-soaked T-shirt. (So you like to sweat when you're stressed. No one's judging.) The extremely nice tow truck guy says it sounds like the problem may be your timing belt, why don't you just have a seat in the truck and crank the heat? You hop in and start to melt in the warmth. While you're here you may as well give Jacquie's phone another try.
Oh, glorious! It's ringing!
You say, "Hi Jacquie. I'm having a bit of car trouble... I'm stuck on the thruway back at exit 42."
Jacquie, future patron saint of sisters in need, responds, "Well what do you want US to do about it?"
Oh, you know, drive back and TAKE A LOOK UNDER THE HOOD FOR ME?! What the fuck do you THINK I want? Maybe a little support and a "we'll be right there"? Is that so much to ask?
"Jesus H, put mom on the phone."
Deep breath.
"Mom, yeah... my car died.... probably the timing belt... No they can't tow it to Buffalo... Well couldn't you turn around and come get me?... I KNOW it sucks that you're 30 miles away... please? I'm stranded. Oh, an accident? Bad traffic? How unfortunate COME FUCKING GET ME. Call grama? Are you serious? She's over an hour away! Seriously?... You're really not coming to get me?" Hang up and commence crying.
Ok I'm done with the whole "picture this" part because it will just be easier from here on out to full on RAGE and release my wrath in a more natural fashion. Thank god Tim was with me to keep me from feeling completely stranded and alone or I may have totally broken down. Sometimes you just need a hug from your big strong good-smelling boyfriend to make a crappy situation bearable. HIS dad drove all the way from Cheektowaga to come get us, without a second thought. When he arrived after almost two hours I was on the verge of tears thanking him for coming to pick us up. "Honey, don't worry about it," he said, "that's what family's for." Commence more crying because "family" is kind of a loose term when it comes to your immediate relatives.
It would be nice to have a good mom ALL the time, and not just when it's convenient for her. Thanks for being there when I really needed you. Oh, and Jacquie? What do you want ME to do about the fact that Mom will be out of town for your birthday? Am I supposed to care just because we're related by blood or something? God, does that mean I have an obligation to spend time with you? To be there for you when you need me? I'll check my schedule and get back to you.
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| Saturday, February 10th, 2007
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3:13 pm - Birthday Cake
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My mom's 50th birthday cake, complete with 50 candles. I love this picture. That's Will, waiting impatiently for all those candles to be lit (lighted?). Wegmans messed up the message on the cake (or ran out of room, what with all the damn candles.) I think it was suppsed to say something like, "Ooops, it IS 50! Too bad."
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| Thursday, January 25th, 2007
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2:01 pm - Hey kitties, we don't negotiate with terrorists
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Pam recently found Gus, a fishy addition to the Hoyer household, dead on the floor. And when I say recently, I mean less than a day after we welcomed him to his new home. Those cute little bastard kittens we're raising somehow removed the top of Gus's aquarium and scooped him out. Then they shoved him around the living room and chewed his fins off, leaving his mangled body where we would be sure to find it. Either the kitties like sushi as much as I do, or they left Gus there as a message that Hoyer is their territory and they won't tolerate intruders. Or maybe this was like, Gus's initiation into their gang, but he failed their test because he died. RIP Gus :(
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| Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
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11:52 am - Ahem
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I would just like to say that it's high time "they" started manufacturing shovels for the vertically gifted. My back is killing me from being stuck in a hunchback position for half an hour while I shoveled my mom's sidewalk. While she is in California. Man I better be getting some good souvenirs.
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| Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
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12:24 am - I think he may be a commie spy
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Because really? He made me an apple pie. FROM SCRATCH. Too good to be true, therefore: commie spy, buttering me up for trade secrets.
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| Monday, January 15th, 2007
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12:34 pm - Note to self: purchase a flask
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I miss the days when I had nothing better to do than update the ole livejournal. Oh wait, today is one of those days! Well technically I have to work later but right now, updating the LJ is at the top of my to-do list. Runners up: vacuum, go grocery shopping, do dishes, take down Christmas decorations left that the cats haven't broken or ripped down themselves... am I forgetting anything? Let's slap "shower" in there for good measure.
So I was bored at work the other night and was reading through all my old entries and was surprised at how many things I had forgotten about. I used to use this to post about my day-to-day activities and now I pretty much only have time for the occasional hilarious quote from one of my friends or family members. I like remembering good times, and I have a bad memory so it was nice to re-live some old times.
Some recent good times I would like to remember:
-Doing shots of tequila with strangers straight from the bottle I was keeping in my coat pocket on the train ride downtown on New Years Eve. Getting the whole train to chant, "Oliver! Oliver!" when one young man named Oliver refused my generous offer. Also getting the whole train to do the wave. I love Buffalo. It seems like everyone is looking to make a friend. Or at least share a drink.
-Dropping the bottle of tequila and watching it smash to pieces on the sidewalk. At the time I was pretty sad, but looking back, I think this was fate stepping in to say, "Jess, you've had enough." And how.
-Meeting Mark's friend Tim and slurring, "Do you have anyone to kiss at midnight? No? Ya do now." Kissing him and thinking how nice it was, and hoping that I wasn't too drunk to remember how to not drool whilst kissing. Actually managing to program Tim's number (the CORRECT number) into my cell phone. Frankly, I'm amazed at the manual dexterity I exhibited in that state.
-Subsequently going on many fabulous dates with Tim, including but not limited to: ice skating downtown and bidding on (and winning) salsa dancing lessons at a fundraiser at Goodbar.
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12:29 pm - My hero
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You know you have a best friend when she will wade barefoot through 3 inches of freezing water to grab your soaking wet no-longer-clean laundry because you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself.
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| Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
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12:40 am - Did you have a nice Christmas?
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I sure did, but I'm definitely glad it's over. I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe lately. When I wasn't working, I was cleaning or baking or entertaining or preparing gifts... and I haven't had a moment to be lazy. Man, I miss those kinda days. I'm hoping to pick up a few less shifts in January and catch up on my couch potato-ing.
Christmas was very very nice though. On Christmas Eve I had to work 12-5, but Julie let me loose early because she knew I had a party to get to. That put me in a good mood. And then right as I was getting out of work I remembered that I hadn't wrapped my cousin's gift yet, so I went down to the gift wrapping station in the mall. They were starting to close up right as I got there and I beggggged them to do just one more, and some bitch was like, "Sorry, we have to say no sometime. We have to leave." And I explained that I just got out of work and please please please, and the bitch still said no. Finally I asked if I could just have some paper and I would wrap the gift in the car. I think she thought I was joking because she kinda laughed at me, and when I told her I was serious AND would pay her she still fucking said no. So that put me in a really crappy, disgusted mood. Where the FUCK is all the Christmas spirit people keep talking about? At that point I was pretty much done with the whole damn capitalistic holiday.
So after that Jacquie and I headed over to our Aunt Alice's house in South B-Lo. We got lost going there AND coming home, which is a usual occurence for me. I hate driving in South Buffalo. But the time I spent there was so relaxing and nice. My dad's family is so different from my mom's. It was quiet and low-key... the lights were low and candles were lit, and I was able to sit down and have some really good conversations with my aunts and uncles. There was also tons of good food and lots of laughter, plus some really nice gifts as well. Sean got me a new down comforter and I had a hard time not opening it right there and collapsing into a coma in its downy goodness. We were having such a nice time that we didn't leave in time for church, which I felt guilty about. Christmas Eve mass is my absolute favorite thing to do during Christmas, and it usually helps to get me in the Christmas mood. We have this amazing organ that fills a whole wall upstairs and an organist who plays like angels have kissed his fingers; and when he plays the whole church (which is pretty huge) rumbles and vibrates with the sound and it's pretty awe-inspiring. It makes me feel very small and humble but also fills me up and creates this inexplicable feeling of joy. I missed it this year, and I'm a wee bit sad, but I really don't see my dad's family that often and I felt they were more important than the organ music and candles and incense. I'm glad I stayed, I had a great time.
After the party I drove Jacquie to our mom's house and went home to feed the kitties and pass out. I got up again after about 4 hours to head over to my mom's for presents and then we left for the farm. It was loud and crazy as usual, the food was delicious and I ate way too much. There was also the usual rough-housing and mischief-making that accompanies a Holl get-together, with more laughing thrown in. I love that I come from two very different families that both love laughing as much as I do. Today I slept all morning and then we headed back to Buffalo around 2 because I had to work tonight. Boo. I wish I could have stayed longer and hung out with my cousin Megann, who I only see two or three times a year. She's one of my best friends and I miss her. So Christmas is over but it feels like it was never really here, is that weird? And I'm exhausted, and looking forward to not having to do all this again until next year.
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| Monday, December 18th, 2006
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9:21 pm - Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?
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Probably because I work retail. I'm sick of cheerless people and I have yet to experience anything that remotely resembles "the spirit of the season." Christmas is usually my favorite season, but this year I can't wait for it to be over so I can stop dealing with pushy suburbanite housewives with self-righteous attitudes. AND there's no snow. And I have no one to really share the season with and go ice skating downtown and be cozy on cold nights with and all that crap. I'm just not excited about Christmas this year and that's kind of sad for me, like I'm losing some of my child-like wonder and becoming jaded by the world. I don't want that.
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| Sunday, December 17th, 2006
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7:22 pm - He looks taller in real life
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I went to the Buckin Buffalo to meet some friends on Saturday night and was running a bit late as usual. However this time, the lateness was NOT my fault, which means I was a bit aggravated to begin with. So I was walking in and trying to make my way down the bar to the back, and this freakin dude kept stopping to talk to ev.ry.one. It took me five minutes (or so it seemed) to move five feet. All this chit-chat was getting super annoying and finally I put my hands on the dude's back to try and sneak around him. When that didn't work, I sorta gently nudged him a bit to get my point across. It definitely got his attention, but when he turned around to get a look at the asshole pushing him, I thought... hmmm, he looks mighty familiar. Then I did a double-take and realized that this guy was being stopped BY people, not stopping for them. Oh, hello, Mr. Ryan Miller, I did not mean to be a huge bitch. Enjoy your evening.
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| Monday, December 11th, 2006
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10:27 pm - Jess (Jay Dubya)
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Taken by the FABULOUS Shelley (http://www.flickr.com/photos/shelleyk/) at my Flickr meetup on Sunday. Seriously go check out her other photos, she is amaazzzzzing. I freakin LOVE this pic of me.
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| Saturday, December 9th, 2006
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8:49 pm - Yeah.
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You'd be surprised how helpful Home Depot guys can be when you say, "We'd like to build a four-way beer funnel." Wesley Pipes even has a spigot. Yes, we named our beer funnel. And no, that is not duct tape.
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dailybitch's journal
